A Measure of Oneself

(Look, I am going to tell you a story to get to the point. If you just want the point, just read the last 3 paragraphs)

Suddenly I feel the urge to write. I use to write all the time as child, and into my teenage years...suddenly, I stopped. Oh, I continued to write from time to time, when there was something inside gnawing at me that I needed to purge. Writing was a way to get it all out, so I could look at it...understand it....then be done with it. Then I mastered communication, my writing slowed. :) Now just seems like a good time to start again.

I am happy to say, life is good. While I can always think of something trivial to bitch about, I honestly have no valid complaints. I am single, going to school, and I have an amazing family that supports me in everything I do. That's saying a lot, because when I do something, I DO IT BIG! I have no concept of entering a room gracefully. All eyes on Dee, please. It isn't something I do on purpose, I was just born this way. Ha! I also have AMAZING friends that put up with my mood swings, and they are willing to jump to my aid at a moments notice. How lucky can a girl be?

What I am most excited about, recently (nearly a year ago) I set out on a quest to regain control of my body. I really don't know what happened, I ate as I always had...age maybe? Or could it have been the comfort of my 3 year relationship? Who knows, more importantly, WHO CARES! All that matters is that I am back and slimming up. It all started with a simple question. Someone asked me, "Dee, if there was one thing that you could change about yourself....what would it be?" I thought for a moment, "My weight. I have gained weight and it bothers me. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin." He gave a surprised courtesy laugh and replied, "But DEE! That is the one thing you have complete control over!! Most people wish they could change their looks, or personality. Maybe their jobs, or their life! You want to change your weight?? That's the one thing that you have complete control over. It is the one thing that you CAN change...easily." Simple, yet so profound at the moment it was said. He was right. I decided to make the change, one thing at a time.

First I cut out sugar, then bread, then it was fast food. After a few weeks, I decided no more processed food. I never really went hungry, because "unlimited veggies" were my staple. I would gorge myself on veggies and lean meats. Once a week I would still eat what ever I wanted sugar included. It wasn't so bad. After about a month, I had lost 5 lbs. Brilliant! THEN! The man trouble happened. My 3 year relationship was coming to an end, that was one thing. Then, meeting new men, (frustrating) that was an entirely different type of stress. The kind that made me want to run to my ex and beg him back. I had that gnawing, I need to get it out of me, feeling. I recalled going to Sabino Canyon when I was younger....the peaceful, calming effect it had on me. I went that day. I walked...then I all those ugly feelings that were plaguing me started to surface. So I started to run. Tears were running down my face, and I could feel the dirt in the air sticking to salty water lines on my cheeks. When I would move past other hikers, I felt like they could see me crying. Ashamed, I sprinted past them, my thighs were numb, my lungs burned, and I had shin and arch cramps. I had not had a good work out in a while, needless to say, this was seriously not the smartest thing I had done all year. I didn't go all the way up the road that day, but I made it to bus stop 4. I realized, "HEY! I feel better!" After a few moments, I didn't feel so good again....so I took off walking back to the parking lot. When I felt the ugly cry coming, I let it out... through the sprinting. I was channeling that ugliness. By the time I got to the car, I felt better. The feelings were gone, because all I could think about was the damn shin splint I had, and how much I desperately needed a new pair of running shoes.

The following day, I woke, and felt just as lost as the day before. It was that anxious, "HOLY SHIT! WHAT DID I DO?? MY LIFE IS CHANGING AND I AM WIGGING OUT!!" sort of thing. So! I went to Sabino again, same effect. It was brilliant. The next day turned into the next day, to the next. I hiked for 17 days straight when I first started. I knocked off an additional 8 lbs that month. Hiking became a regular thing for me. It was the only time I felt peace, while I was waiting for my snow globe of life to settle. I felt like I was punishing myself, without the negative effects. It was all positive. Better then diving into a bottle of Tuacca!! Now, the thing is, I didn't feel like it was a work out. I didn't feel bored when I went, and I certainly was in no hurry to leave. Some days, I would stay at the canyon for 6 or 8 hours. Depending on my emotional state. I eventually graduated to trails instead of the paved road. Upon suggestion from the man I told you about, the one that gave me the light bulb moment...I started on the Phone Line Trail. It is still my favorite, aside from 7 falls when the water is running. I did that with him as well....that is another blog. Good story. HA! Anyway, all this hiking made me feel so good, at ease. So much that I really never minded going alone. In fact, I prefer to go alone. It is my time of peace. This was when I had my moment.

While trying to meditate on a rock (I was psycho to climb up there! Seriously! I could have died!!) I started to think of the things that had been bothering me over the last several years. There were so many really, but it all came down to one thing...this was the main vein that supported my life. Everything else was just like little capillaries. I had become secluded, an introvert, because I was unhappy with the way that I looked. I was on television everyday, but didn't want anyone to see me in person because I had put on a few pounds. How absurd is that? I was living this super homebody.... just me and my ex hang out...don't look at me I am fat...sort of life. AND I WAS ON TV EVERYDAY! I KNOOOOW!! Geeez. It was a very shocking moment, and it made me feel overwhelmingly emotional. All that time, I felt ashamed and unworthy to be comfortable with myself. I measured my entire self worth on this one thing. My weight. How I looked on the outside, in my mind, overshadowed anything and everything that was good about me. Someone might have thought I had put on a few extra pounds, but I saw myself as morbidly obese. That is not an easy thing to admit, but what the hell! If I get it out, it's no longer locked inside of me. It will never again have the power to break me..


It has been 10 months since I decided to reclaim myself, I have set and surpassed my goal weight 3 times now. I am still continuing to work at it. I feel great and I don't feel like it is a chore. It has just become a part of who I am. You know what is funny, no one treats me any differently. All of my friends are just as kind and just as willing to jump to my aid as they were before. It was all me. All in my mind. They were my demons. I was defeating myself. Which leads me to the big question.

How do you measure oneself? How do you decide that you are worth the sacrifice? It took a break up, dating (that is the next blog) and a total new career goal, to help me see my own dysfunction. Why does the world have to be falling down for us to dial 911?? Maybe if we take inventory of our feelings on a daily basis, we wouldn't be risking our lives climbing up on high rocks in Sabino Canyon, to find ourselves! I urge you, don't let one thing be the hidden life source for negativity.

When was the last time you saw beauty in yourself? I don't mean when you looked in the mirror before going out, and thought you were the ish. I mean, when did you last look at yourself, without make up, and embrace who you are? (without pointing out flaws) Have you recently noticed the unique details of your personality, or taken count of the people who love you? What about the person at the store that smiles when they see you? Or the work buddy that gives you the glance that says, "Hey, I'm glad you're here." Perhaps we get too busy focusing on the bad, to see all the good. You can not be happy or see good things, if you are filled inside with bad...ANYTHING. You just can't. So find a way to get it out. Channel that bad energy. Write, paint, build, groom yourself. If you are like me and feel the need to punish yourself at moments, try Sabino like I did. Do something, ANYTHING, productive to loose the poison.

I challenge all 2 people that will read this (Hi Mom! Hi Jenny!) to focus on the good things about yourself. If all you've got that day is your shiny red toes from your new pedicure, USE IT! Don't have shiny red toes? Go get some! Notice the things that make you feel good, do more of it. If it lifts your spirits and gives you peace, LIVE IN IT!! When something makes you feel good, stop, notice, take it in. Allow the good feelings to overwhelm you This, and only this, should be how we measure ourselves.

Please remember, It's ok to BELIEVE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.